@chrisdowning

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

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@jazzemu_

[inside washing machine]

duvet cover: climb in my brothers

every single piece of clothing: we shall build a new life in the big sock

@markleggett

Bing is a fast search engine because you’re the only person using it.

@TheAlexNevil

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

@ShutUpThatsWho

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

@yonewt

Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal

@1Happytwit

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

@AlwaysAButt

doctor: you’re gonna need to take probiotics

me: oh i don’t think i can afford that

doctor: don’t worry, there are lower cost options

me: ah, yes. amateur biotics

@ehchinoo

Inception [2010, Psychological thriller] a group of people fall asleep – 148 mins

@BobTheSuit

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”