My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
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I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.