Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
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There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest