me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
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[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Breaking news:
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls