I wonder which lie came first: “Oops, wrong hole!” or “That’s never happened before!”?

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A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.


When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
It’s a ball of gas and fire
It can’t hear you.


You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.


Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign


My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days


Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death


Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.


We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.


My son announced to his entire class that the bank keeps calling Daddy every day to talk about money.

We’re renewing our mortgage.