@Eightinchgoat

I wonder which lie came first: “Oops, wrong hole!” or “That’s never happened before!”?

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@ddsmidt

A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.

It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.

@AdamOfEarth

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
It’s a ball of gas and fire
It can’t hear you.

@cambuslad

You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.

@Jamberee13

Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign

@dougbies

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

@BrettDruck

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

@danimgrace

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

@NintenDom

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

@VisionBored1

My son announced to his entire class that the bank keeps calling Daddy every day to talk about money.

We’re renewing our mortgage.