him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
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“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Reporter: *ports again*
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this