Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
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Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.