Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
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Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him