I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
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Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
notice
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.