@OhNoSheTwitnt

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

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@UnFitz

“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”

– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect

@chuuew

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

@iamburtjarvis

“911, what’s the emergency?”

we were robbed. they stole the wireless router

“calm down”

also they shot my grandma or something. not sure

@feverboner

I’m watching a French show and the guy says, “oui, non, potato,” and the subtitles translate it to, “yes, no, maybe.”

@jollyrobber

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

@euanDroberts

And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.

But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

@seanforhire

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

@what_eve_r

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

@causticbob

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.