“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
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ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I’m watching a French show and the guy says, “oui, non, potato,” and the subtitles translate it to, “yes, no, maybe.”
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.
But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.