I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
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How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.