CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
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Sorry I didn’t text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn’t want to mess up my phone.
This guy gets it.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
You forgot to practice
We miss you
Fine good luck flirting with french girls you monolingual crétin
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.