I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
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A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”