I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

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If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.


“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.


Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust


Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.



I fetched her one of her bras.

Now we’re not talking. Apparently.


Y’all are stuck in 2018 watching the Olympics in 2D while I’m in the future watching it in 3D


As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.


Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment


Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?


Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?


*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*