@IGotsSmarts

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

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@Just_Lee_

If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.

@Birdhumms

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

@Darlainky

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

@sunexplode

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

@LeftBlank___

She shouted “GET SOMETHING TO PUT ON BEE STINGS”

I fetched her one of her bras.

Now we’re not talking. Apparently.

@reallyhoffman

Y’all are stuck in 2018 watching the Olympics in 2D while I’m in the future watching it in 3D

@scenesfromahat

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

@esbeeback

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

@NewDadNotes

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

@BenjyHimmel

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*