@IGotsSmarts

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

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@bobvulfov

[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie

@jwoodham

Sorry I didn’t text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn’t want to mess up my phone.

@SimplySnaccbar

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

@Reverend_Scott

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

@daddydoubts

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

@psybermonkey

Duolingo

[1 day]
You forgot to practice

[1 week]
We miss you

[1 month]
Fine good luck flirting with french girls you monolingual crétin

@CVTBaby

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.