Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
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What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My apartment is a mess, I should move
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
live, laugh, laundry.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?