I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
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Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead