@DebasaurusRex

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

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@AndyAsAdjective

*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*

hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me

@jonnysun

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

@msdanifernandez

*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh

@daddysdigest

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.