I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
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Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
my proudest tweet
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.