I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
You Might Also Like
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
This raises questions