I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
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him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in