13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
You Might Also Like
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Miscakes
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”