I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
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to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Very good! 👍😂
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”