Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
I won’t sugarcoat something unless I’m eating it
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My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?