I won’t sugarcoat something unless I’m eating it

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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening


The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.


You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.


If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”


If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom

I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring

*Walks away with hedge trimmers


shop assistant: can i help you find something?

me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences

shop assistant:

me: or laundry detergent


Wife: Stop acting like a child!

Me: *hiding in clothing rack*