me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I won’t sugarcoat something unless I’m eating it
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Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
A long time ago….
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
If you need me, I’ll be in the bathroom
I guess it’s finally time to shave my legs for spring
*Walks away with hedge trimmers
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
me: or laundry detergent
Wife: Stop acting like a child!
Me: *hiding in clothing rack*
I WANT TO GO HOME!