Roses are red, you always mattered,
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.