Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
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Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity