I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
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My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Holy shit he’s back
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.