I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
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I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas