Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
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If I ask you how your weekend was, don’t reply with “not long enough.” Don’t be that guy. I will reply with “that’s what she said.”
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?
Music teacher comes to our house. Gives our kid a significant, noticeable haircut. Tells no one. Then leaves. !!!
Pretty sure if I ever texted my hubs a nude pic of me, he’d probably respond “I think you meant to send this to someone else.”
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
my proudest tweet
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
If you’ve been kind to nature, birds will rescue you through your sunroof in a traffic jam and fly you to their kingdom
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.