@LauraBenanti

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

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@pembdave

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

@SingleVixxen

If I ask you how your weekend was, don’t reply with “not long enough.” Don’t be that guy. I will reply with “that’s what she said.”

@NicestHippo

[college ad]
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?

@MichLKosinski

Music teacher comes to our house. Gives our kid a significant, noticeable haircut. Tells no one. Then leaves. !!!

@mamapojo

Pretty sure if I ever texted my hubs a nude pic of me, he’d probably respond “I think you meant to send this to someone else.”

@BangMyBongo

Good cop: Just relax

Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail

@aveuaskew

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

@CackleClub

If you’ve been kind to nature, birds will rescue you through your sunroof in a traffic jam and fly you to their kingdom

@daemonic3

Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”

I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.