I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
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man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training