I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
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My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
🚲+physics = winner
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.