I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
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Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!