I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
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Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.