Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
You Might Also Like
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”