@TheDrewRap

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

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@SortaBad

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

@RidiculousSheri

He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.

@freedom2726

* draws blood

Blood: No, no, no. That doesn’t look like me at all.

@Eightinchgoat

*Pulls your panties to the side*

*Tries to remember how I even ended up wearing your panties*

@tehaveragejoel

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

@Rlpihl

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

@solomongeorgio

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

@SkinnerSteven

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

@WineMummy

When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.

You’re welcome.

@BadJordon

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.