Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
* draws blood
Blood: No, no, no. That doesn’t look like me at all.
*Pulls your panties to the side*
*Tries to remember how I even ended up wearing your panties*
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.