@TheDrewRap

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

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@SgunSuperman

It’s OK people with a poor grasp of the English language, I’m a sex attic too.

@KattsDogma

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

@TimFederle

WHAT DO WE WANT?
fewer deadlines!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
see, this is the problem

@AbbyHasIssues

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

@DavidAdt1

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

@MichaelAlliman

Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.

@KeetPotato

doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”

@pinupteacher

Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control.

Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.

@candyflippin

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

@FeelingEuphoric

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god