@sad_tree
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
@pearlykim
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
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@sad_tree
@ANW_writer
If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.
@VivaVeronica122
My boyfriend says I’m kind of selfish, but that’s not true. I often think of other people.
When I’m having sex with him.
@maratasin
The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.
@shariv67
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
@murrman5
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
@i_zzzzzz
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
@daplusk
Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade
@NyAdas
Today I learned the hard way if you over-pluck your eyebrows everyone thinks you’re interested in what they are saying