I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

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*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return


If rubbing toast crumbs off your face counts as exfoliating, then yes, I exfoliate every day.


My boyfriend says I’m kind of selfish, but that’s not true. I often think of other people.

When I’m having sex with him.


The fact that crocodile ate your enemy, does not make him your friend.


Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.


since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin


The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime


Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade


Today I learned the hard way if you over-pluck your eyebrows everyone thinks you’re interested in what they are saying