@pearlykim

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

You Might Also Like

@causticbob

I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.

@YourMomsucksTho

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

@zachheltzel

Yeah sex is cool but have you ever lied to an Uber driver about what you do for a living?

@rickygervais

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

@UnFitz

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

@PinkCamoTO

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

@PaperFury

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go