@causticbob
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
@pearlykim
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
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@causticbob
@YourMomsucksTho
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
@zachheltzel
Yeah sex is cool but have you ever lied to an Uber driver about what you do for a living?
@rickygervais
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
@UnFitz
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
@PinkCamoTO
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
@_youhadonejob1
Well played, Sky Comedy. Well played.
@PaperFury
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
@rodeoman
anyone else like Italian cereal
@jes_ryan
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.