I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
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How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁