I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
You Might Also Like
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
turning my gender off to conserve energy
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I wish this was real life…