Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
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Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world