I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
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Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
That’s it.I’m out.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”