I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

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I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.


me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*


*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.


Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher


girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.


Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.


Saw a bumper sticker that said My Other Ride Is Your Mom and my son asked if his mom was giving people piggy back rides so basically don’t ever teach your child to read


All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!


I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.