I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I worked at forever 21 as a cashier and i guess the customer i rang up was an ig baddie because a few people recognized her but I didn’t and when I checked her out she was like “this line is so long do you know who i am” and I said “no sorry” and then her card declined for $1.35
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You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
My mom pops out from under the table while I’m on a date.
She’s always been a good eater. You see her hips? Good hips. Stand up, show him-
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
[alien in starbucks to make a cash withdrawal]
well, the name is misleading tbh
I’m having an out of money experience.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?