Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
I worked at forever 21 as a cashier and i guess the customer i rang up was an ig baddie because a few people recognized her but I didn’t and when I checked her out she was like “this line is so long do you know who i am” and I said “no sorry” and then her card declined for $1.35
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Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Couch: $300 TV: $1000 Chips: $3. The look on your face when you don’t have electricity: Priceless
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Judas: still on for Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Octopus 1-you up for tennis?
Octopus 2- I cant my tennis elbows are actin up again
Octo1-..we dont have elb
Octo2- I DONT WANNA PLAY CARL