@okaishawty

I worked at forever 21 as a cashier and i guess the customer i rang up was an ig baddie because a few people recognized her but I didn’t and when I checked her out she was like “this line is so long do you know who i am” and I said “no sorry” and then her card declined for $1.35

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@MrsTomServo

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

@TheCiscoKidder

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

@Jayson_Two_time

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

@bourgeoisalien

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

@pinupteacher

My mom pops out from under the table while I’m on a date.

She’s always been a good eater. You see her hips? Good hips. Stand up, show him-

@leftarmisme

Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.

@trojansauce

[alien in starbucks to make a cash withdrawal]

well, the name is misleading tbh

@pixelatedboat

The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash

@simoncholland

Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?