husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
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Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Ovenable?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!