I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
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It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options