I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

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[Leaving ballgame]
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: Yes, but I assure you officer I can’t afford to get drunk there.


When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”


*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again


Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?


BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time


In the past hour I’ve dropped my phone and my computer. Let me hold your crying baby.


I’m pretty sure Kanye West is the reason why we arent allowed to retweet our own tweets.


[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho


*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.