@Doc_Jyoti

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

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@cbme69

[Leaving ballgame]
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: Yes, but I assure you officer I can’t afford to get drunk there.

@rickelverum

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

@mattZillaaaa

*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

@Dutch_50

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

@bobvulfov

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

@laffytakky

In the past hour I’ve dropped my phone and my computer. Let me hold your crying baby.

@lildandeli0n

I’m pretty sure Kanye West is the reason why we arent allowed to retweet our own tweets.

@Skoog

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

@ObscureGent

*Bites werewolf*

Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.

Werewolf: No!

Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.