I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
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Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.