@B_Schmidt

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

You Might Also Like

@CornOnTheGoblin

[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha

@byrdie_num_num

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

@bossy_bootz

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

@PJTLynch

*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!

@dafloydsta

[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?

@StillRadNotaFad

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

@_steamy_mac

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

@mrtiredeyes

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

@FattMernandez

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.