I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
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Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine