turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
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Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Ain’t no way
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Actually cracking up @ this
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.