I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
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Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
New menu item
Lol
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day