I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
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With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*