I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.