I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

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wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen


I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.


How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?


She *blows into Nintendo cartridge* took *blows into Nintendo cartridge* the *blows into Nintendo cartridge* kids


If your partner makes you sleep closest to the door, you are either the protector or bait for the zombies.


I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.


me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies

cashier: they’re $5 a piece

me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00


bird 1: uh oh

bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone