I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

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Iron Man: *mouth full of shawarma* do you think Watson solved the case?

Dr. Strange: probably. we trained him well. If not, we’ll just reverse time and get it done.


we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.


I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.


Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician


Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.


when you’re sick of dropping subtle hints to the guy you like and getting no where


me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man


Hair in bun=housework
Hair in ponytail=oral sex
Body language is important-So he doesn’t get excited when I’m about to 2 scrub the toilet


Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?


Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.