I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
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*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight
If the light turns green & the guy behind you honks cause he thinks you’re taking too long to go get out & start checking your tire pressure
Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier