I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
You Might Also Like
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Why do meteors always land in craters?
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down