@FilthyRichmond

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

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@somelightcrying

I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.

@BuckyIsotope

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

@KeetPotato

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

@FunnyBison

If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.

The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”

@skin_and_i

Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight

@PaulyPeligroso

If the light turns green & the guy behind you honks cause he thinks you’re taking too long to go get out & start checking your tire pressure

@lilgapeach32

Water is good for you? I call bullshit. My phone drank some one time and guess what? IT DIED!

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

@Sophie2078

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

@climaxximus

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier