I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
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i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.