“Wait, it wasn’t us? Are you sure?” – Fox News
I would compare twitter to high school but I don’t remember high school being this stupid
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Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Bars are Weird
Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
PRO TIP: EAT AND GET FAT.
If anyone tries to lecture your weight eat them too.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Me: OMG! Say something!
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
me: are u Scottish
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.