@ThisLocalHater

I would compare twitter to high school but I don’t remember high school being this stupid

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@KimmyMonte

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

@shwebby2

Bars are Weird

Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product

@Brewsker

PRO TIP: EAT AND GET FAT.
If anyone tries to lecture your weight eat them too.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

@jonnysun

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]

@thepunningman

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

@ClichedOut

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]