I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
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I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Brands during Pride
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
“Why you watching this shit?”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy