I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
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pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees