I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.