@TheNardvark

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

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@CranalBeads

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

@LoveNLunchmeat

I really relate to your au naturale selfies because I too was born wearing seven pounds of mascara and an eyeshadow palette of urban grey.

@LuvPug

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

@_sweet_ham

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

@ChefChas82

I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.

@anniealone23

A message for my stalker:

I’m cool with the whole stalking thing but, like, could you PLEASE turn the coffee pot on for me in the morning

@Douchekevin

Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 times what it’s supposed to?

Yoga pants explained.

@TeejayRush

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

@lisaxy424

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.