Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Goldilocks gets out of prison and becomes a tech billionaire by creating an app called bearbnb
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.