I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
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GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.