@TheNardvark

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

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@Laser_Cat

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*

@pilau

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

@shrimple_

Goldilocks gets out of prison and becomes a tech billionaire by creating an app called bearbnb

@ChipKellysBalls

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

@InternetHippo

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

@BillyYvonne

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

@Browtweaten

Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT’S IT

@crunchenhanced

I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.

@EndhooS

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.