I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
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7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*